I have the most original idea for a movie...
Okay, here we go.
An expedition of scientists goes into the bowels of the jungle in search of... okay we’ll come back to that later. Stay with me guys, stay with me.
Anyway, they have to charter a boat with a rough, mysterious, American captain and a first mate of local dissent. Then we’ll throw in some hot women and token black guys, all of which are the top scientists / analysts in their given fields. Now what can we use as an antagonist? Hmmm ... oh yes! An Anaconda! Brilliant, fresh! Why has no one done this before?
I like to think that the following is somewhat of the thought process for the first Anaconda movie starring Jennifer Lopez and Jon Voigt. But I have the sneaking suspicion that this was also the thought process of the more recent Anaconda film starring a plethora of B and C rate actors. My question is simply this, “are you kidding me?” IT IS EXACTLY LIKE THE FIRST ONE! THEY USED THE SAME FREAKING WARDROBE!
Has anyone else seen this piece of crap? Let me answer for you; “no,” because you knew it would suck. How much variation could you possibly put on a story about a giant snake in the jungle? What could possibly be changed to make this story any different than the first other than new faces? Let's just pray that neither of the female heroines go onto the success J-Lo has found after doing her tango with the giant snake. I don’t think I even know one person who would be capable of seeing that preview and go, “WOW, that looks AMAZING!” So last night I watched this crapterpiece with some-a my boys and we slayed it. It was choice. But as I embarked on this adventure in Borneo in search of the Blood Orchid a.k.a. proverbial fountain of youth, I thought, has my life come to this? Am I so cynical that I purposefully watch bad movies just to make fun of them? What kind of person does that? What deep inner angst or struggle am I masking by cutting down people I don’t know just to get a laugh?
And then we discovered the boat wasn’t working anymore because there was too much water on the river. Wow.
Well folks the truth is I am a cynical person. My life has gotten to the point where I take boundless enjoyment in the mockery of bad movies. What kind of person does that make me? I don’t care... I just don’t care. Whatever inner struggles or angst I’m masking I hope they never surface. The amount of joy I get when my team can pull it together and come up with the perfect line and the perfect moment, no one could be prouder.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Do you have any idea what the street value of Calgary is right now?
So I’m driving home last night, well coasting home would be the better description, and I’m absolutely freaked out of my mind. The roads were sooo bad, and my winter driving experience consists of making doughnuts in the IGA parking lot back home, good times. So there I am freezing to death in my car, Reverend Michigan, my breath fogging up the glass because the defroster is crap so I’m furiously wiping the windshield to see. So to calm my shaken nerves I throw on the good old radio and what to I hear. “This holiday season, do you want the have the memory of this sound...,” (shrieking tires, someone screaming and a crash of broken glass and metal). “Before you drink and drive,” yada yada yada. ARE YOU FOR SERIOUS CLARK?! Here I am praying to get home safely as are the other thousands of people driving in this mess, and the good people at the radio station decide to pluck the morality strings of the masses. I am not a drinking and driving advocate by any means, but for the love of all that’s Holy, don’t play that crap when I’m sliding all over the place afraid to drive above 20 kliks on Crowchild Trail!
Anyway, winter sucks. And as an official member of the driving community, I can say with full force of thought, winter sucks. When I was a transit monkey, I didn’t mind the cold or the snow at all really. I was one of those artistic people that stare at the snow for hours drinking their chi lattes or whatever (in my case apple cider) and say things like “Snow is the blanket that hides the pain of vulnerability.” Snow, you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
So I’m driving home last night, well coasting home would be the better description, and I’m absolutely freaked out of my mind. The roads were sooo bad, and my winter driving experience consists of making doughnuts in the IGA parking lot back home, good times. So there I am freezing to death in my car, Reverend Michigan, my breath fogging up the glass because the defroster is crap so I’m furiously wiping the windshield to see. So to calm my shaken nerves I throw on the good old radio and what to I hear. “This holiday season, do you want the have the memory of this sound...,” (shrieking tires, someone screaming and a crash of broken glass and metal). “Before you drink and drive,” yada yada yada. ARE YOU FOR SERIOUS CLARK?! Here I am praying to get home safely as are the other thousands of people driving in this mess, and the good people at the radio station decide to pluck the morality strings of the masses. I am not a drinking and driving advocate by any means, but for the love of all that’s Holy, don’t play that crap when I’m sliding all over the place afraid to drive above 20 kliks on Crowchild Trail!
Anyway, winter sucks. And as an official member of the driving community, I can say with full force of thought, winter sucks. When I was a transit monkey, I didn’t mind the cold or the snow at all really. I was one of those artistic people that stare at the snow for hours drinking their chi lattes or whatever (in my case apple cider) and say things like “Snow is the blanket that hides the pain of vulnerability.” Snow, you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Ephgeny, this one’s for you…
I can’t believe that Jesse Metcalf, Miguel himself stayed in your hotel. It’s moments like these that it doesn’t give me an anxiety attack when I imagine living in Edmonton. If I had only been there, I could have raced to your hotel and paid him my life savings to say “Charity, I want to be with you,” in that way only he could say it. And everyday in Charity’s nasal, whining, annoying voice I could say “M i g u e l…do you want your pillow turned down?” or “M i g u e l…you have four messages at the front desk.”
That show certainly had its moments. From Teresa’s obsession with Ethan to Sheridan’s remorse over the loss of her good friend, Princess Diana. “I’m so grateful I was wearing my seatbelt in that accident…(sigh) if only Diana had been wearing her’s.” AHHH, good stuff…good stuff.
It was a predictable journey everyday during my afternoon spare. When I think of Passions, I think of Orange Julius, soft pretzels and Ephgeny. Truly the enjoyment of this show would be empirically impossible if it weren’t for these things.
And this is one of many memories I hold to from my probation within a probation that was, Hanna. And wouldn’t you know it, what’s playing on the radio right now as I write this, but ‘Photograph’ by… that band.
Schmandy, I miss you as much as Pearl Harbor sucked. I could fill this blog with our cherished memories, common abhorrence of certain celebrities and legendary conversations during cruising sessions and slurpee runs. Take care babe! And thank-you for teaching me the word ‘biz-natch’, I shall use it and use it well.
I can’t believe that Jesse Metcalf, Miguel himself stayed in your hotel. It’s moments like these that it doesn’t give me an anxiety attack when I imagine living in Edmonton. If I had only been there, I could have raced to your hotel and paid him my life savings to say “Charity, I want to be with you,” in that way only he could say it. And everyday in Charity’s nasal, whining, annoying voice I could say “M i g u e l…do you want your pillow turned down?” or “M i g u e l…you have four messages at the front desk.”
That show certainly had its moments. From Teresa’s obsession with Ethan to Sheridan’s remorse over the loss of her good friend, Princess Diana. “I’m so grateful I was wearing my seatbelt in that accident…(sigh) if only Diana had been wearing her’s.” AHHH, good stuff…good stuff.
It was a predictable journey everyday during my afternoon spare. When I think of Passions, I think of Orange Julius, soft pretzels and Ephgeny. Truly the enjoyment of this show would be empirically impossible if it weren’t for these things.
And this is one of many memories I hold to from my probation within a probation that was, Hanna. And wouldn’t you know it, what’s playing on the radio right now as I write this, but ‘Photograph’ by… that band.
Schmandy, I miss you as much as Pearl Harbor sucked. I could fill this blog with our cherished memories, common abhorrence of certain celebrities and legendary conversations during cruising sessions and slurpee runs. Take care babe! And thank-you for teaching me the word ‘biz-natch’, I shall use it and use it well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)