Where have you gone Joe De'Grammy'o?

I envision that someday even I will have a child. A little girl, maybe. Oh how sweet she’ll be, how smart and fun. She’ll love music as her mother does and she’ll pursue her dreams with the zeal of youth. But I also envision a darker day. Having to sit down my daughter and have “the talk” with her. “I knew this day would come,” I’ll say. I’ll have to tell her the history of...Mariah Carey. The Duchess of Darkness. She who must not be named.
My children will know that the powers of Mariah Carey are to be feared and never underestimated. Her name must never be spoken, lest she may appear and destroy. Her voice has the power to make you do things you would never in your right mind do. Before you know it your bedroom will be filled with furry pink alarm clocks or drawers filled to the brim with nail polish and lipstick. You’ll start using words like ‘precious’ or ‘darling’ to describe inanimate objects. You’ll say things like, “When the world learns to love what they’ve got, then the peace can begin,” or have the profound political advice of “I think it’s good the government want to take away everyone’s guns, then no one will have them anymore and people can be happy.” Then it will spread to your clothes. You’ll buy ‘baby-tee’ shirts with phrases like “Girls Rule” or “In Your Dreams” written in cursive sequins and your jeans will get tighter and tighter until you need a shoe horn to get into them.
No matter the song, no matter how good it appears to be, never concede. That leads to the dark side. The mindless, lemming-like musical tastes that will never scratch the itch that will be inherently embedded in my seed. Sure it starts with Mariah Carey and then what? Soon I'll hear Michael Bolton or Lionel Ritchie late at night when my kids don't think I can hear it, then I'll know it's too late.
I suppose I will have to explain the numerous Grammy nominations that the Duchess of Darkness has received this current year. Sometimes, good things happen to bad people. And all we can do is hope that those of us who haven’t been infected by ‘she who must not be named’ will band together and keep supporting the constants like David Gray or U2.
You see I, yes even I, was once entranced by the song ‘Hero’ to which I only admit in order to accentuate my place in the struggle. I know how easy it is to fall victim to the sadistic siren’s tune. But there is hope. Soon all you’ll hear is the shrieking of a crack- banshee that will turn your soul cold. So once I got past the brief-lived Mariah Carey tolerance, I began my fierce campaign to bring the wielder of the dark arts down from her ‘glitter’ing, hollow, pillar of ignorance and “I love everyone”ism.
I cannot trace from whence my loathing began, perhaps it was from the first shrill solo or the disgustingly revealing dresses, or perhaps an amalgamation of all things Mariah Carey...all I know is, I don’t like her.
I don’t want to terrify my children, but I think it’s important to have a certain amount of fear for unexplained, supernatural, freak phenomenon – i.e. Mariah Carey becoming famous a first time, let alone a second.