If you missed it...

For those of you who couldn't make it to my previous farewell, never fear.
I will be speaking in Drumheller on MARCH 12 at 10:00 AM.
Please feel free to e-mail me if you need directions. scrumtralescent78@yahoo.com
If you do e-mail, please send me your phone # aswell - that's directed at you Ster-dogg.

Thanks...you shant be disappointed! Well, you might...but I can't be liable for your bad taste.

I won't lie, it will be nice to escape the politics of the roommate hierarchy, especially after this week. But I can't say I'm overly happy with the way things ended, nor can I say I would change where I stood on an issue involving a person of a certain sex. There's just some things that aren't Kosher.
Monster Jam rocked, and by rocked I mean was moderately fun. I wasn't that bad, I just hoped for more danger and intrigue, and more back stories.
"Here, driving Gravedigger, all the way from Backwater, Texas where he lost his true love in a freak tractor incident..." or "Fresh off parole for over-the-phone credit card fraud against the elderly, driving Jurassic Attack..." stuff like that.

I should go, I have a date to go and make fun of a movie tonight with KoKo. Oh the things I will miss.

Where are You going to be Sunday morning at 11 am?

17th ave chapel.

That is all.

What did you do with your Snow Day?
I was supposed to enjoy a nice trip to the temple yesterday, instead I made history.
Perhaps I should explain.
Due to the craptacular state of the weather yesterday, travel was not an option. So I spent the day with my dear cousin Amy. We went through some old home movies that we had made with my cousin Melany years before (I'm still trying to get over the blow to my confidence). Inspired by the lack of else to do and that fuzzy glow of camcorder footage, we decided to carry on our legacy by making a video message for Melany. She'll be home this fall from her mission, and I won't be home until next fall, so I thought it prudent to leave behind a little message of hope until my return.
From that simple message spawned an afternoon of fancy.
Whilst discussing my life as one of the characters from an original Cindy-Melany production, I decided that there were too many religions in Hollywood for the average Joe to keep track of- I can't remember how. So we did the obvious thing, created a new one. It's called...Jewbalahtology.
That's right, no more clumsy confusion over Judiasm, Kabbalah or Scientology. I know your all dying to learn more so give me a call if your interested in purchasing my infomercials. And remember "I want your money, because it lets me help you."

Maybe it's the midnight talking...

After a spectacular party followed by a classic bonfire, I found myself restlessly falling asleep this morning at about six a.m., only to be woken by a Big Dave phone call at 10 a.m. I love my parents, sometimes if only for the sole reason that I know they love me.
I was up at 10; I've been up since 10. And here I am in an empty house at 12:30 watching Cheaper by the Dozen. Why? Mostly to see how Hilary Duff looked before she had to hide the track marks and vomit stains. Sad, truly sad. And by sad I mean gross.
I'm house-sitting for my sister which explains my sudden access to le internet. It's a little disconcerting to be in this big house alone after living in a fairly small house anything but alone. I'm not going to lie, I have a pair of scissors at my side constantly. Ya know...for...protection. From what you ask? Shut-up, that's what!
I really had fun last night. Another night to add to the memory bank. I may be crap when it comes to smart financial investments, but when it comes to "future smile" investments - I'm a regular (enter name of successful investor here).
I'm going to miss all of this. The life I've found myself in now. I know that I'm going on to something greater than I can understand, and I am so excited to be able to finally make a step like this. I just can't help but feel like there's something I've missed. Something that I need to take care of before I leave.
What is it...find out on our next episode! (Guesses are encouraged)

SO THIS IS HAPPINESS
Seriously guys, I am so happy right now. Why you ask? Because everything that could possibly make me sad seems to have faded to the color of "I don't care". I'm done work, and I can't remember the last time I haven't either worked full-time or gone to school and worked part-time. It's liberating, but I do still miss school incredibly. The countdown is on, and now the only thing remaining of my old girlish ways is apprehension over a certain Calgary Mormon social event which is coming up. A certain dance where certain males ask certain females to go to said dance. It's just one of those things that you have to go through in my line of work. Of course every girl asks you every time they see you "So...who you going with?"
For those of you in this position to ask this question, please mark what I am about to say. No, I have not been asked. Nor will I likely be asked, for I have never been asked in the past. But don't cry for me my friends, for I do not want your pity. Only your mutual sarcasm and criticism for events such as this. I will occupy myself with a far greater activity...no you don't get to know what it is! Alright, I'm gonna take one of my peeps to make fun of everyone, HAPPY!

And So...The end is near...and so I face the final curtain...

Today is my last day at the State Farm. I would be called the liar if I were to say that I was completely happy. I fear I have succomb to a sort of Stockholm Syndrome in which I relate to and will somehow miss my captor.

Thank-you to all who helped me get through this. WE'RE ALL WINNERS. No, I'm the winner...just me.

http://www.thetoiletonline.com/srd001.htm

watch it. love it. however offensive it is my friends, don't lie to me and tell me you didn't laugh.
P.S. Ster-dogg, the Narnia rap was cupcakealicious, I may have been too hasty in my estimation of Samberg

If you have time visit... www.chuchnorrisfacts.com - Schmandy, this one's for you.

...Recount? Please...Recount

I know it would be useless, I know that Hamas won by a landslide, but it's as easy to swallow as one of those giant Vitamin C's...who the hell would make non-chewable Vitamin C's, I ask you; Just cause I'm an adult, I'm supposed to grow out of orange chewable vitamins...screw you!
Anyway, it's a sick co-incidence that today is the anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. Considering how the newly elected Palestinian leaders live by a covenant focused on destroying their Jewish neighbors. All the while Sharon is comatose and his stand in, Prime Minister Olmert is starting to seriously question career choices.
By the way, the leaders of Hamas, have you read about these guys? The first was born in a refugee camp and expelled to southern Lebanon by Israeli forces. The second spent 25 YEARS in an Israeli prison! Something tells me these memories will not be sedated by this recent surge of power.
It can't be all so severe. I'm sure that these men will eventually be open to peace talks with Israel, hey and maybe they'll decide to hop on the UN wagon. And maybe the Palestinians will embrace Jewish culture by watching Seinfeld and Woody Allen movies whilst eating pretzels and painting their press-on nails. Actually... no.
I guess democracy's only good when the entire population DOESN'T want to destroy another entire population.

Just a quick FYI...

1.For those who will be in want of something fantastic to do February 17 - come on out to a going away bash at mi casa. Pretty much the same format as the birthday party.

2.For those who enjoy seeing me fumble my words in nervousness and sway from one foot to the other whilst public speaking - come to my farewell on February 26 @ 17th!
(I guess I'm not supposed to call it a Farewell, so I'll call it a Formal Address Recounted Entirely With Elegant but Longwinded Love...yeah, we'll use the acronym so it's ... CRAP!
-If you can't make it to that one, there's one in my hood (Drumheller) on March 12...I sincerely doubt I will see any one of you there, even though there's dinosaurs...and fossils...and...dirt.

Don't Go Paul... Who will Screw Us Over when you're gone?

Well as long as the Liberals are still around and holding onto their 103 seats, I'm sure the screwing over will be taken care of.
I am excited for a Conservative victory, don't get me wrong. But I was a little disappointed when I voted not to see a greater diversity of party representation.
My riding didn't even have a Marxist-Leninist party rep, come on!

GO VOTE!!!!!!!!!


I Weep for the Future

Saturday night as I returned home from a very chic dinner party populated by 40-something women in skin-tight cocktail dresses vying for the attention of a single 50-something millionaire; I decided to enjoy my youth and state of poverty and stay up for SNL.
The monologue was good, Peter Sarsgaard hosted - for those who don't know him, as I did not, he is the voice of the alien from American Dad, and the bad guy from Flightplan (co-starring the Sean Bean). But every skit was garbage. They did a semi-funny commercial for baby toupees and a tolerable montage for "Young Chuck Norris" but that was it.
I hope this is simply an effect of my progression in life. I remember my brothers and sisters recounting that their generation of SNL was the best with the likes of Mike Myers, Dana Carvey and Chris Farley. I cannot deny it. But they were appalled with my generation of Cheri Oteri, Will Farrel and Molly Shannon; to which I contend. Those years, while wholly unappreciated by most, gave us some unforgettable moments and I hold them dear to my heart. I went through those tumultuous teenage years with Mary Catherine Gallagher, Mango, the Roxbury Guys and the Spartans, and I'm very glad I did, it made me good people.
Even the intoduction of Jimmy Fallon, Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler took some time, but they pulled through with some classics.
But I cannot condone the direction the show has now taken. The saving grace comes in the form of Fey, Poehler, Hammond, Parnell and Sanz. I just can't get a taste for these new guys. Seth Meyers - potential. Will Forte - not bad. But the rest have yet to prove themselves and the clock is ticking.
Perhaps it's my advanced years, but I find it difficult to stay up alone to watch SNL when the dissappointment ratio grows to depressing levels.
But I will not give up on SNL, not as long as I'm around ... and Lorne Michaels.

By the way.......GO VOTE!!!!!!!!

Adieu My Love...

Today I said goodbye to a very dear friend. I never knew how much he really meant to me until I lost him. So often I would get through my day just looking at his beautiful face, knowing that he would give me good news. But today I had to let him go...
I am no longer a mobile communicator, I've been landlocked. After almost a full year of enjoying the freedom of a cell phone, I cancelled my service.
And now I see him lay there...nothing more than a clock and phone book that can play "Final Countdown" on demand. I feel like I've betrayed him. It happened so fast. I got my ridiculously expensive bill and decided on the spot that it was time to cancel. But I felt the remorse of the impetuous just a few moments later, and I realized how painful life will be without him.
He had such a fantastic number too, I could sing it so easily to the tune of "867-5309."

I remember her...she was the one with glasses who quoted SNL all the time, what ever happened to her?

I apologize for my recent break from the social scene, friends. The truth is I don’t know how much fun I would actually be to be around. All I do is stress and worry about mission prep. I’m trying to watch what I watch and listen to, so I virtually have lost anything to talk about and I’m getting more into a church mindset, so my sense of humor is of a pious nature. I’m bland…bland as bland can be. But for those of you, who remember the colorful days, please call me, and don’t give up on me. Maybe I am boring, but I’m people dang it! People who used to be fun!

That would make a good movie...

Ariel Sharon suffered a “massive stroke” last Wednesday and has been in critical, then stable, then progressive, then stable condition for over a week. Now they’re saying that it will be months before he recovers. I don’t consider myself a conspiracy theorist, although there are a few things I don’t buy into which I cannot talk about at this time, lest the Cubans trace me from this blog. But I do not think that a man in the physical state as was Ariel Sharon would be able to sustain a “massive” anything, unless it was a “massive sandwich.” Have you seen this guy? Let’s just say this guy doesn’t have tailor made suits because he’s got money.
My theory… Mr. Sharon has passed on to the great gig in the sky. Maybe he can play bass.
But this fact would present a problem. You see there was an agreement between Israeli and Palestinian leaders made about a year ago, in which both sides agreed to a sort of one year truce. This spawned the expulsion of thousands of Israeli’s in villages along the Gaza strip, a movement spearheaded by Mr. Sharon in an effort to give recompense. Needless to say this was an astonishingly emotional time, Israeli soldiers evicting somewhat less than compliant Israeli people. Needless to say our Mr. Sharon wasn’t the most popular man in some circles.
This one year truce has not been renewed and everyone seems to be walking on egg shells about it. Now that Sharon may be dead, the heat lamp has been turned onto this year long hiatus burger.
If Sharon is alive, there may be a better chance of prolonging the peace, says I. If he’s gone, the ensuing commotion and efforts to reorganize won’t be pretty.
Wouldn’t this whole situation make an amazing movie? Not the really political parts, but the rest of it. But instead of the leader just being dead, the government tries to cover it up by finding a look-a-like to preside in his stead. SNAP. I think I’m on to something here. He’d look just like him, but he’d be softer, more down to earth and funnier and be able to do some real good. And then when it was time to reveal the death of the leader, they’d stage a public appearance where the replacement could pretend to have another attack and BOOM...there’s your movie.
It has the potential to be flawless, “He’s lost a considerable amount of weight with the stroke”...or “His memory and voice have been tragically altered since the stroke”... or “He developed birthmarks and scars in random places because of the stroke.” Every hurdle could be jumped. Genius.

Wow, who can I pitch this too?

It's Back...
Back in the Saddle Again...

I'm sad to report our return to country music in the office. It's funny because now to me, Lite 96 and Country 105 are virtually on par with matching craptacular-ness. I just train my ears to listen to the voices inside my head telling me reassuringly, "someday...someday you'll be people again, and not just people - good people." Thank-you voices, that means a lot to me.
Last night we met at our bishop's house and made Valentine's Day cards for kids in the Children's Hospital. All in all a very successful night except for the moral-ethical setback I suffered. I made this WICKED Valentine's Day card with an R2-D2 sticker on it, and in true girl letters (you know the ones with the dots at the end of every line - femilicious) I wrote "R2 Chooses You!" Sadly I was overcome by my genious, like Van Gogh or Charles Rocket, but instead of suicide - I took my card, depriving some child of a Valentine. Is it sick...yes, yes it is. But I couldn't bare the thought of some kid saying, "A Star Wars Valentine...gay!" and throwing it lackadaisically across the floor.
So I will entrust the card to someone to send it to me in one years time. Or perhaps I will meet the C3P0 to my R2 in the next 4 weeks and give the card away. Le Sigh.